


Perfect People Don't Exist

by Ravenclaweruditeowl



Series: Once and Future Queen [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode: s05e06 The Dark Tower, Gen, Guilt, Gwen Has Magic, Magic!Gwen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-30 17:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20100673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenclaweruditeowl/pseuds/Ravenclaweruditeowl
Summary: Captured by Morgana, Gwen has time to reflect on all the reasons why she really does deserve to be punished - or does she?(The last thing a person with magic living in Camelot should do is fall in love with the Prince. Even worse is when he loves them back. Gwen’s POV and memories in season 5 The Dark Tower episode.)





	Perfect People Don't Exist

* * *

Gwen tried to relax and find comfort in the fact that she was with her brother, but Elyan could probably tell how tense she was. 

“Even after all these years, I still miss him,” she said. Gwen doubted that Elyan could feel as strongly as she did - he hadn’t been as close with their father as she had - but he was the only one that could possibly have some similar feelings. 

“He was a good father. I'm glad we came.” 

“So am I.” 

No. Elyan did not understand. But he was trying. 

The return to Camelot passed quickly with jokes and banter shared between Gwen and the knights. Sometimes she still couldn’t believe where she was - that she held high enough rank to have so many guards - but still hold their friendship and speak with them as equals. 

She didn’t deserve any of it. 

She should have known that something would go wrong. She would’ve guessed at bandits being the “unexpected” disturbance, but Morgana hadn’t really been unlikely. Gwen only just had the opportunity to recognize her attacker before she fell unconscious. 

* * *

For a moment Guinevere thought that she had been rescued, that she was safely back in Camelot. When she opened her eyes though, the hand that had stroked her cheek was revealed to be Morgana’s, not one of her friends. 

“Good morning _ my lady _,” Morgana mocked. 

“What do you want with me?” 

Morgana smirked. “I thought we could play a little game.”

“A game?” 

“Just to find out how much Arthur loves you.”

“It won't work.” Gwen repeated those words in her head, even though she knew that Morgana was right. If her goal was to use Gwen as bait, the game would work. Anyone who knew Arthur well would figure that out in a heartbeat. 

“You underestimate his feelings?”

Gwen only hoped that she overestimated his feelings, that Arthur would use his head instead of his heart for once and leave her to face Morgana alone. 

“He's not stupid,” Gwen said aloud. She turned around to fully face Morgana who crouched opposite her. 

Morgana leaned back. “We’ll see.” 

“He'll know you've taken me. He'll know it's a trap.”

“He will. But he'll still come.”

Gwen didn’t even try to deny it. She could imagine Arthur rounding up his knights at this very minute. There would be searches if they didn’t know where to go, and a mission to plan if Morgana had left any clues behind. Gwen mentally cursed herself for letting this happen. If she had just stayed away from Arthur, he would have married some princess who wouldn’t have had a reason to visit a gravestone so far away from the protection of Camelot’s walls. 

She settled for glaring at Morgana instead as she was tied once more to the horse and the sorceress bade her keep walking. 

Gwen wasn’t sure how much time had passed before Morgana allowed her to stop, but when the time came, Gwen was immensely grateful for it. Even without allowance, Gwen had already stopped walking, and she had feared the Morgana really intended to have the horse drag her along the ground until they reached wherever they were going when, for a moment after she collapsed, they kept moving forward. 

“Here.” Morgana had moved from the Horse to stand in front of where Gwen had collapsed. She held her hand out and offered a water canteen. 

Gwen’s gaze fell upon the canteen. She longed to take it. Even so, Gwen said nothing and did not move to take it or drink from it. She would not give Morgana the power or the satisfaction of seeing her submit. 

“Is it too good for you now that you are Queen?”

The urge to explain herself, to make Morgana explain herself almost kept Gwen’s words from coming out. “I don't want anything from you.”

“Just my crown.” Morgana kept the canteen outstretched. “drink it. You may need it.”

“Why?” As soon as Gwen had asked, she winced. Whatever was coming could only be bad. 

“I would not be in such a hurry to know.” Morgana emptied the water from the canteen onto the ground, the trees and shrubbery gaining the only water Gwen might have had access too for who knows how much longer. 

Some part of her didn’t believe that Morgana would ever do anything to seriously damage Gwen. Morgana was still human, still had feelings, and some piece of their friendship must still be inside her, somewhere. That’s why Gwen shouldn’t be afraid of death. Morgana would never be able to kill her. 

But maybe her old friend had been corrupted enough that she would be able to stand by and watch as Gwen died of dehydration. 

* * *

Gwen wouldn't have even noticed that they had entered a dessert if not for the sun burning her skin. Yet another discomfort to add to the list. 

Her muscles were cramped in places Gwen hadn’t even acknowledged she had muscles. There were bruises on her sides from all the times she had fallen. Her feet ached horribly - the only pain that she was familiar with, but familiarity didn’t make it any less tortuous. 

Every once in awhile, she would let herself remember the water canteen before she scolded herself for regretting that decision. Who knows what had been in that water. Still, she longed for something that would cure her of the parched mouth and dry lips. 

The sight of the tower standing ahead of them also came with multiple reactions. On one side, it was sure to stop the sun beating down on her as it had for hours, and Gwen could stop walking. On the other, the tower was obviously their destination. Whatever Morgana had planned for her could not be a good thing. 

Inside the tower, Gwen stopped to look around. She thought - and clearly she was mistaken - that this would be the end of her walk. 

“Keep moving.” Morgana ushered Gwen ahead of her to a spiral staircase to which Gwen could see no end to. 

“Where are you taking me? 

“You’ll find out.” 

Gwen kept climbing until she reached the top. At least inside the tower, she didn’t have to keep up with the steady pace of a horse. 

* * *

“What is this place?” The room at the top of the stairs isn’t what Gwen was expecting. It’s dark, and Gwen could barely make out anything inside it. It was like a dungeon risen above the ground instead of buried beneath it. 

“Sleep well,” Morgana responded. 

Gwen turned back towards the door. “Morgana?” Gwen’s tired feet could only get her a few paces closer to the door before it was slammed shut. 

After double-checking that the door was locked, Gwen decided that it would be more productive to explore the rest of her surroundings. Being locked in the dark wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t as bad as the tortures she had imagined.

Seven steps further into the darkness and Gwen was proven wrong. 

Seven steps into the darkness she started hearing the screams. 

She rapidly stepped back to the door, but retreating back to the door didn't get rid of them. Gwen pressed her palms to her ears and tried to ignore the petrifying screams coming from nowhere. She had walked all the way around the room as quickly as she could and found nothing but pillars and mud. The spot she lay on the floor had been clean when she had first gotten there, but Gwen twitched when cold, slimy, wet earth landed in drops on her face. 

She got up. 

Now that her eyes had adjusted, Gwen could see that whatever was dripping on her came from the ceiling. Strangely tangled knots of roots dangled from where they had been tied and no large space on the ceiling was clear of them. 

Gwen didn’t notice that she had let her arms fall to her sides until she heard another high pitched shriek and she had to pull her hands up to her ears again. Having already discovered that the edges of the room held nothing helpful, she rushed into the center and stood with her back against one of the broad pillars. 

She whimpered as another scream penetrated her mind. Where were they coming from? They couldn’t be real. They had to be fake, they must be fake or she couldn’t imagine what would elicit this kind of sound from people. 

She kept moving. Moving was control, it was proving to herself that there was nothing she could do for these imaginary people and — 

Elyan. Elyan was there, with her. He smiled, and Gwen smiled back before he laughed. 

The laugh was deep and hollowly formed, nothing like the real Elyan. It echoed around the room, making the laugh seem as if it was coming from every direction. It wasn’t a kind, friendly laugh. It was an evil laugh. Laughter directed _ at Gwen _, not for amusement, but to cause fear. 

* * *

Gwen could remember Elyan’s real laugh. She hadn’t heard it so often recently. A knight’s job was too serious for laughter, and Gwen rarely saw him when he was off duty. 

She tried not to, but she felt it squeeze her insides anyway. The jealousy. They weren’t children anymore, and Gwen couldn’t expect to be her brother’s only friend, but seeing him laugh as Sir Gwaine threw an arm around him, as Sir Percival punched him lightly, as a girl from the town that Gwen didn’t even know whispered something to him - she wished she was in their place. Gwen wanted to be the one to make him laugh. 

He never laughed with her anymore. 

When they were kids, it was so easy. A simple joke or silly face would do the trick. Back then he seemed to live to make her laugh too. As the older sibling, he could have been dismissive, could have left Gwen behind, but she had always been included. 

As the older sibling, he had also been taller than she was. This had been a constant frustration for Gwen as she struggled to grab things that Elyan held out of reach above her head. 

She hadn’t meant to use magic, didn’t even know that she was capable of it. Their mother had seen it too, the gold in Gwen’s eyes as the toy sword lifted from Elyan’s hand down into her own. 

“You must never, _ ever _ do that again, Guinevere!” Her mother had whispered insistently. “Who taught you to do that? You can’t talk to people who know these things!” 

Gwen shook her head frantically, confused, and only wanting for her mother’s painful grip around Gwen’s arms to loosen. 

“Nevermind. You’ll stay home a week or two, and that will… that will fix everything.” 

Her mother let go. Gwen had run into Elyan’s embrace, still not fully understanding what had happened. 

After that Elyan had been more careful. Gwen was no longer an equal, but a fragile doll to be protected. They laughed less but talked more. Gwen was okay with that. 

Then, their mother had died. Elyan had left. _ Look who had truly been the fragile doll _, she had wanted to say. Broken so easily and abandoned his family. 

She had forgiven him, of course, with time. But it was only when Arthur’s intentions to marry her were made clear that Gwen remembered that Elyan knew about her. 

“Are you sure this is a wise idea, Gwen?” Elyan had asked. “I know you love him, but you have… you know.” He waved his hands in the air dramatically. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she had said. Another lie, another reason she didn’t deserve her life. Another reason that Elyan never laughed around her. 

* * *

Merlin was the next one to appear, half-hidden behind an alcove. He looked so real, so friendly at first. 

“Gwen,” he said kindly. He motioned Gwen to go over to him. 

When Merlin didn’t disappear, Gwen started to gain hope. 

“Merlin?” She started to crawl towards him before he disappeared. Gwen whimpered and retreated back to the wall. 

The wall was solid. The was was real, tangible, and most importantly, would not disappear on her. Not like the fake Elyan and Merlin. 

Then she could hear Merlin’s yell emerge from the cacophony of screams in her mind. She and Merlin screamed together. 

* * *

Gwen had once, no, more than once, considered telling Merlin that she had magic, but as time passed, it seemed less important. 

Gwen never used her magic. She had only ever sought out one spell, and she used it rarely. Merlin knew much more than she did. 

She first found out that Merlin had magic when he was dying. Gaius had tried to cover his words up as gibberish, and Gwen had let him, not wanting to face an additional problem. The priority was keeping Merlin alive. Understanding how Merlin could use spells in his sleep wasn’t important. 

After that, whenever Arthur or one of the knights had an odd story to tell from their most recent patrol, Gwen knew who had caused it. 

Her fear for Merlin was greater than fear for herself. He put himself at risk way too often. He had too many close calls. Gwen dreaded the day she would wake up and have to attend his trial that would inevitably end with a confirmation of his guilt. 

“Be careful,” she warned. Even though Merlin didn’t know about Gwen, didn’t know that Gwen knew about him, she hoped that he’d take those words to heart. 

Dirt covered Gwen’s hands from crawling around the stone floor, searching for something that could help. It was one of the brief respites where the screaming and hallucinations stopped, and all that could be heard was the drip of mud from the roots hanging above her. 

When the door opened and the light was let in, Gwen half expected it to be a hallucination again, but it was only Morgana. 

“Come.” Morgana held open the door. “let us have something to eat.” 

Down the stairs again. They arrived in a different room this time. A dining table covered in food filled its center, cobwebs draped from every possible crevice and pole. This place had been deserted for a long time. Deserted by everyone but the spiders and insects, that is. 

Gwen sat in the chair Morgana directed her to and tried to ignore the food. It looked so good. Better than the food served at the feasts in Camelot. Maybe even better than the cakes Gwen’s mother used to make that she had always treasured. 

“Eat. Here. Food always makes me feel better.” Morgana pushed the plate closer. 

Gwen didn’t move. 

“Would you prefer some chicken?” Morgana asked. “You must eat. You are fading away.”

_ Yes. Yes, I am fading away, but that is your fault. Why would I trust you to fix it? _

“I do not know what cool trick you are playing but I will not be broken by you,” Gwen said. 

“I thought this would be nice. I know how lonely you must be. All by yourself in that room. At least your not shackled, there's daylight, you can move, you can see.”

“You expect me to be grateful?”

“I too have suffered Gwen. I spent two years living in darkness. I spent two years chained to a wall in the bottom of a pit.” 

Gwen didn’t know whether or not to believe it, but it would explain Morgana’s absence in the past two years, and her current appearance. 

“You did not know?” Morgana asked. 

Gwen shook her head. 

“I would have sold my soul for someone to show me kindness such as this. Do you want me to take you back up there?”

Gwen didn’t. But she wouldn’t accept any of Morgana’s “kindness” either. 

* * *

The next person Gwen sees is Gaius. He looked at her with empty eyes before he too disappeared. 

He was replaced by Morgana. 

“I thought you might like to dine with me?”

Gwen backed away as Morgana walked towards her. 

“Come. You must eat or you will fade away.” Morgana stretched out a hand. 

Gwen took it, for a moment, before pulling away. _ She is your enemy. Never forget that, no matter how desperate you are for a friend, _ she thought. But more and more she thinks about her own magic. 

She had once seen Morgana as the perfect role model. Beautiful and elegant, as the King’s ward was expected to be, but intelligent, witty, and kind at the same time. 

When the Morgana she had fallen to her magic, Gwen was reminded that perfect people didn’t exist. Magic had brought out the worst in Morgana. It brought out the best, but also the worst, of Merlin. It could bring out the worst in Gwen herself if she let it. 

Perfect people didn’t exist, but Gwen tried anyway. She aimed for the person Morgana had been, and when she couldn’t be that person, she pretended. She faked her confidence. She lied with her posture. 

She no longer had the strength to lie like that. 

“Your hands are cold. Let me get a warm fire going for you. Anything you want you can have. I'll give it to you.” 

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because we are friends. We always were-”

“Leave me alone.”

“Gwen. . .”

“What are you going to do to me?”

“I'm helping you. I am looking after you-”

“I want nothing from you.”

“Well if you change your mind, let me know.”

* * *

Nothing stops the screams, not her own tears, not her fists pressed against her ears. Whatever Morgana did to create this torture, it only affected her inside her own head. 

“Don't look you'll be alright,” she whimpered between sobs. “... don't look you'll be alright... d-don't lo-ok... don't look you'll be alright. Alright.” Her voice broke into a desperate wail for it to stop. 

People could be trained to withstand physical torture, but Gwen couldn’t imagine that anyone could last much longer when the pain came from not outside but inside their own head. 

“Guinevere.” 

_ Arthur. _

“Huh? Arthur?... No.” She cradled herself in her own embrace. “I know it's not you. I know it's not you. I know it’s not you. _ I know it’s not you! _” 

It couldn’t be Arthur, not now when she was at her worst, when he would see her broken. 

* * *

When Gwen had first noticed her feelings for Arthur she hadn’t let herself dwell on them too long. Sure, there were the obvious reasons. Arthur was a prince, a relationship wouldn’t be allowed. Then there was the fact that he was a prince over not just any kingdom, but one that despised magic. She would be putting herself at even more of a risk. 

But the first thing that had stopped Gwen was Arthur’s attitude. 

“People can be mean, Gwen,” Elyan had told her once as a kid. “They _ will _ be mean. Make sure you pick friends that value you just as much as you value them, okay?” He had dug an old scrap piece of metal further into the ground in frustration. “Don’t take opinions from assholes who won’t listen to yours.” 

And Arthur had definitely fallen under that category. Stuck up, so full of himself that no one else mattered. He had changed, though, over time. He still was changing. Gwen had seen the transformation for herself. 

Yet she was Jealous of Arthur for it. Where Morgana had started at perfection, Arthur worked towards it. Where did that leave Gwen? 

“Guinevere.” The Arthur hallucination walked towards her. “Look at me.” 

“I know it’s not you,” Gwen repeated again. 

“Please.” 

“I _ know _ it’s not you.” 

“It's me. It's Arthur.”

Oh, how she wished it was Arthur. Of all the cruel hallucinations, this one lasted the longest. 

Probably because she loved Arthur the most. Or because she feared him the most. 

At one point she had thought that there would come a day when she would tell Arthur about magic and how good it could be. Maybe she and Merlin would do it together, and Arthur would see the two people he cared about most in the world and understand. 

Then she had betrayed him. She still didn’t understand why she had done it, but it had been done, and Gwen had learned what it would be like to live knowing Arthur hated her. 

She hated herself for betraying him. For meeting with Lancelot, but also for lying for so long. She had convinced herself that lies by omission weren’t truly lies, but that didn’t mean that they couldn’t hurt just as badly as a blatant lie. She feared the day she had once longed for. The day when she stopped lying was both one of her dearest wishes and one of her worst nightmares. 

“_ I know it's not you. _”

But he was still there. “See? It's me. It's Arthur. Your safe now.”

She allowed herself to look, to see his face, to believe for a moment it was real. 

Arthur only laughed. Merlin laughed too. So did Gaius, and Elyan, and Leon, and her parents, and laughter was everywhere. 

Gwen screamed. She didn’t know which noise was worse. Tears and mud ran down her face, but she didn’t care, she just needed the laughter to stop. Her mind bounced between assuring her it wasn’t real and uttering apologies for all her lies. 

She didn’t even notice the footsteps. She didn’t even care who it was as long as they were real, and Morgana was so real, so comforting. Gwen let herself fall into Morgana’s embrace. 

Morgana wouldn’t care about her betrayals. 

Morgana was like her. 

Morgana wasn’t fake. 

“It's alright. It's alright. I'm here,” Morgana whispered. “I'm here. My darling I was wrong to make you suffer. The mandrake root is cruel. It pierces the depths of your very soul. Pushes you into the very near consciousness of what you fear and dread. Gwen, you have been so courageous but it was necessary. Gwen, your not alone now. You need never be alone again. I am the only one you can trust. I am the only one you have left in the world. The others torment you, hate you.” 

Gwen grabbed Morgana’s hand. 

“Come.” 

Morgana pulled her towards the exit. “You need some rest, some proper rest.”

Proper rest. In a bed. In her home. 

_ Home. _

Camelot. Arthur. Friends. Family. 

“No.” Gwen yanked her hand out of Morgana’s. “Whatever twisted game you are playing, I want no part in it. I would rather stay here and die.”

* * *

“Gwen!” 

It’s the wrong voice. It was supposed to be Arthur, the man who forced her to live with the lies, not Elyan, not her brother. 

“Gwen!” 

“Elyan!” she called back 

He appeared in front of her, the real Elyan. He was to blame for the wrongness in her life too, but Gwen didn’t want this. He shouldn’t have to be the one to die. 

“What has she done to you?” 

He eyed the sword and tried to walk around it. 

“No, don't. It will not let you pass. Morgana enchanted it to protect me. You can't free me Elyan. Leave me here please.” 

Predictably, Elyan declared “No.” 

“You can not overcome it,” Gwen warned. “It will fight to the death.”

Elyan’s fight almost looked like one he might win. If it had been a soldier, he would have won in the first few seconds, but the sword would never fall. 

Even when gravity should have pulled it to the ground when it sailed out the window. 

The one spell Gwen had deliberately learned was one that shielded a person. She had cast it on her brother’s armour more than once, but the spell faded quickly, and it hadn’t been a strong one to begin with. It’s disappearing remnants wouldn’t do Elyan much good now. 

Elyan collapsed, sword in his chest. 

“I-I'm here.” Why was she sad? “I’m here.” He had tormented her. He was wrong. Morgana was right. Her tears were supposed to be faked, and yet they cloud her vision without any acting on her part. 

“For a moment, I didn't think I was going to win.” Elyan grimaced. 

“Father would be proud of you.” It wasn’t a lie. 

“And of you. So proud.”

Gwen winced. Staring down at Elyan as he faded away, she thought she could hear screams and laughter echoing in the distance. 

* * *

“How is he?” Morgana asked. 

“Arthur thinks he has won. He has no idea.”

“Do you understand now who you can trust?”

“It's you, Morgana. It's only ever been you.”

“You are not one of them. And you never will be”

“You don't know how much I hate them. All of them.”

“You have done well to see past the lies to the real truth. You have an important part to play in the future. Together we will ensure the destruction of everything that Arthur holds dear.” 

Arthur would never see past any of her act. He wouldn’t see the lie behind her smile. She knew he wouldn’t. She’d been doing it for years, after all. She was the perfect example of a friend, a wife, and an advisor.

Perfect people didn’t exist, but for once, Gwen would allow herself to pretend to be one.

**Author's Note:**

> Initially inspired by some lyrics in NF's song "remember this" although it kind of went way off track from where it was originally going. 
> 
> Comments appreciated :)


End file.
